On rereading old journals

This was last January 2014. I'm now on notebook # 37

Old note: I was fixing my room since I’m leaving home soon and these are journals from 2008 until now, arranged chronological. Filled with daily trash, writing practice, and things I can’t ever say. I don’t buy expensive or too pretty notebooks (only sometimes) and most of these are cheap spirals… easier to write on since if its too expensive it feels intimidating to write on. 26 in all but I threw away around 5 in 2009-2010 as I have these repeating intrusive thoughts and I thought then that if I get rid of the things I wrote (the thoughts) then I would get better but it didn’t, not then. I remember I only started writing (as in writing to be seen by others) in 2013 but I still do practice a lot - I got this from Natalie Goldberg’s writing books - setting a time limit to just write without thinking or stopping, to write down things I really feel without censoring myself since its only for me anyway. So I’ve been practicing for… six years. They’re nothing, daily drudge, and I write lots of notes and drafts here even for fanfics. 

If there's something you should know about me, I am a graphomaniac. I've written on journals, almost everyday, since 2008. I am now on almost 40 notebooks. Recently, I decided to read these journals like novels. And what a roller coaster ride it is, documentary evidence of your life! I wonder if I die if these notebooks will be stored in some library archives for people to read (what a funny thought).

I've long been writing TOO MUCH. I am so brave and honest in my writing life. 2009 was a pretty sad year for me, when I was in UP.

2010, I have no notebooks from that time because I just wrote longer variations of 'I want to kill myself'. Notebooks from these time were BURNED.

2011, I went to CPU and very uncertain of everything. Still a sad time but I started liking school. I still have problems with dealing with people, though.

2012 to 2014 was a pretty okay time. I started seriously writing fiction (which made the tone of my notebooks less darker), because of the sane reason that I have to write something other than about myself. I started with fanfiction and some original fiction. I finished a couple of novels (one is fanfic), and published a story and some poetry for Central Echo. I got busy in school and graduated in April, with honors! This time I was starting to seriously review for the board exam next year and got involved in library internships and volunteer work.

2015, I topped the board and started to work for a new Buddhist college in Manila. Faced a lot of challenges, but gained valuable experience and met interesting people. I learned more about Buddhism and life in a temple is pretty life-changing. They're great.

2016, this year. I resigned and went back to Iloilo City to start studying my Master's degree. I'm a bit depressed again but I'm trying to be okay! I'm applying for jobs again, waiting, studying for the meantime.

And sorry, sometimes I post too much information or negativity in social media, because I'm writing out all my mind's chaos in notebooks! And they are supposed to be private anyway.

More cheers to writing. But more so, I should spend more time living...

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